My Savior, Defender, You are my King

So I've been dealing with a lot of very intense back pains within the past week and it's really taking a lot out of me. I found out last Monday that I had a bladder infection and that was causing my back pains. My mom got me some over the counter medicine from a drugstore and it didn't really do anything so we proceeded to go make an appointment at the doctors office. With is not having insurance, doctor visits are extremely expensive and we tend to stay away from them unless really needed. The doctor gave me a medicine to take once a day for five days that should cure the bladder infection and make the back pain go away. It did help with the infection but the back pain only continued to get worse.
From this point we decided to call the doctors again and they decided to give me a medicine that should help with the severe pain. The medicine was supposed to make me drowsy so I could only take it when I was at home. It didn't work at all. It didn't make the pain go away AND it didn't make me tried at all. The pain has been continuing as well as headaches.
With that going on and then my car, that i just got less than a month ago, decided to shut off after i got out my driveway this morning. So, to say the least, today has been a rough day!

It wasn't until after i read my devotion for the day that i realized what I had been doing wrong and why I felt like everything was coming down hard on me all at once. I've been so busy with school and church and still trying to find time for family and friends outside of the internship and I realized I have completely left out the time that I need to be spending with God.  My devotion for today in Jesus Calling starts off with saying "Take time to be holy."  This felt like a wake up call to me because I have let this slip away from my everyday life when it should be the most important part! In my devotion it makes a really good point by saying, "(In setting time aside to be holy) You experience a nearness to Me that strengthens your faith and fills you with peace. You open yourself up to receive many blessings that I have prepared for you."
I've been looking at everything that's been going wrong and not setting time aside to focus and spend time with God. I found that just by doing that today and spending time in the word and talking to God, my day has got infinitely better already :) Plus it helps to have amazing people in my life that are always positive and encouraging me!

"All our troubles And all our tears, God our hope, He has overcome. All our failure, And all our fear, God our love, He has overcome. All our heartache, And all our pain, God our healer, He has overcome. All our burdens, And all our shame, God our freedom, He has overcome. All our troubles, And all our tears, God our hope, He has overcome. All our failures, And all our fear, God our love, He has overcome. God our justice, God our grace, God our freedom, He has overcome. God our refuge, God our strength, God is with us, He has overcome."
- Take Hear by Hillsong United

Everything Happens for a Reason

I've been having the hardest time when it comes to my old friends. I get so mad that we're not how we used to be and it really hurts me. It hurts to watch new people come into their lives and take the place in their lives that I was. I know God has more to this than what meets the eye and I know God has huge plans for my life and for theirs. I just wish this was easier for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

We the Redeemed, Hear us singing, You are Holy, You are Holy

These past couple weeks I have been worrying so much about what I'm going to be doing next year after the internship is done. I've been contemplating if I want to do another year of the internship or if I wanna start college or even just go into the work force and get my own apartment. This has been stressing me out so much, to the point of crying some nights because i work myself up so much.
I've been wanting to get this book in our book store at my church called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young that is a devotion and journal for everyday of the year. Every time I've tried to get this book, its either sold out or I'm broke when it is in stock. But my friend Daniel surprised me this morning with the book and I couldn't have been more ecstatic about finally getting my hands on this devotional. I rushed right to the cafe and opened it up to todays date and was ready to dive into it.
As soon as I opened it up and started reading, it amazed me how much it was speaking right to me. "Talk with Me about everything, letting the Light of my Presence shine on your hopes and plans...Do not try to hurry this process. If you want to work with Me, you have to accept My time frame. hurry is not in My nature." This was instantly like a wake up call for me and I really feel like these words were speaking directly to me and all the anxiety I was causing myself about my future. This is just a reminder to me that I need to calm down and stop worrying about the future for me that God already knows about and has everything planned for.
I love these God wake up calls (:

Psalm 36:9
"For with you is the fountain of life, in your light do we see light."

Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

Just the Beginning

I really feel like God's been trying to open my eyes to the way I've been acting lately. Martha spoke today on how love is not Prideful or Rude and she pointed out ways in which love is prideful and then ways love is humble. OMG I was feeling convicted almost the whole service! Never did i think that i was being as prideful as I really am and it made me really think about the way I act and the things i say.

These past few weeks have been really hard for me with just managing my time and then with a bunch of outside things going on and I've really been praying that God would take control of the situation and that I wouldn't have to worry about it as much and I feel like that's exactly what He's done. Something about today just gave me an overwhelming peace that He has every problem i have, in the palm of his hand and i just need to stop complaining and trust him. It reminds me of the Israelites when God promised them the Promise Land and all they did was complain to the point of God not letting them have it anymore but giving it to their ancestors instead. It was really just like a wake up call from God today.

I know God is still opening up my eyes to things and growing me in a lot of different ways, but I'm more then excited to be on this Journey with him :)

A Heart Doesn’t Break Even…

When it came to the last relationship I was in, and even the one before that, I’ve had a problem with making that person my life. That’s a problem because then when their not there anymore, I’m left feeling alone and broken. That’s why in my last blog I said that God is really showing me how real love is supposed to be and how he needs to be the center of the relationship. I’m praying that the next relationship I am in, I am smart enough to remember this and that if it were to end that I would be okay. Hurt yes, obviously. But not broken down to the point of no return.

            My last relationship lasted 2 and ½ years and I was dead set on the fact that I was going to marry this guy. He was my best friend and we had so much history. My family loved him and his family loved me, all our friends knew us as together and nothing else. We broke up about 5 months ago and it was one of the hardest times in my life. Letting him go was something my head told me needed to be done but something my heart refused to do. And that’s exactly what happened. I broke up with him physically, but not emotionally. I was still tied to him in every way in my heart and I couldn’t stop, even when I started seeing someone else.

            I figured if I couldn’t let go of him on my own, then I was going to find someone else to make me happy. And that’s just what I did, but that hurt me more then I could have ever guessed. I picked a guy where I only saw the qualities that I didn’t see in my ex and ignored all the qualities he had that I didn’t like. He had also just got out a serious relationship, so we were both extremely stupid in starting this relationship. We hurt each other more then anyone we had ever hurt before and I think in the back of our minds, we saw it coming. We knew deep inside that we still loved the people we were with before but we were so hurt by them, that we were determined to make “us” work even if it killed us.

            We ended up hurting each other and the people we loved more then we ever thought we would and we broke a lot of friendships apart as well. We no longer talk, but that’s definitely for the best. What I didn’t realize is that instead of running to another guy to try and make me feel loved and wanted, I should have been running to God. I should have been on my knees praying or God to help me through and he would have.

Throughout these past 5 months, I’ve noticed so much change in not just my life, but in myself. I’m more independent when it comes to relationships, I’m not bad at being alone anymore, and I’ve learned to really trust that God has a reason and plan for everything. I don’t worry anymore if I’m supposed to be with someone or if I’m missing my chance at my one real true love. When that guy comes, whether I know him already or not, God is not going to let us just walk away from each other; He will bring us together, one way or another. And I put my trust in that and in His power.

Relationships and love can be difficult, but God tells us how it works and how we’re supposed to love. I’m slowly realizing that and its making things so much easier J

All you Need is Love

So as I said in my last blog, love and relationships has really been something God is working on me with. I feel like he’s tearing down everything I’ve once known about love and rebuilding it all about it Him. He’s opening my eyes to the kind of love that he shows me and how I need to have a love like that. Everything that I thought love was about, it now something that barley even matters. Our pastor, Matt Fry, has been doing a series on Love, which I find to be not just a “coincidence” but more of a God thing. He’s reading through 1 Corinthians 13, which is the book in the bible all about what Love is and that without it, everything is pointless. To me, it relates to God dying on the cross and the love he has for us because without that Love, his death would have done nothing.

            When it comes to love, I think the main problem with relationships is we tend to make them either all about ourselves or all about the other person. When we are supposed to be making God the main center and then everything else will fall into place. I pray God continues to broaden my understanding about Love and that he gives me the right mindset on how things are supposed to be when I do decide to date again.

Caught up in love like an Avalanche

I can't even begin to explain all the things God is doing in my life right now. I started an internship at my church about a month ago and just in that short month, God has already filled my life with amazing friends, God-driven leaders, and the mindset to get my life on the right path that He has chosen for me. God has broken everything that I thought i knew about love and relationships and how they work. He's slowly breaking my heart for what breaks his and opening my eyes to how real love works; the kind of love that he shows us.
I know these next few months are going to be busy and they're going to be hard, but God will never give me more then i can handle :) I've never really done a blog before but I'm really excited to be sharing my journey with anyone that wants to know about it!

Guidance

           I wish I could understand God’s plan for my life and what he’s trying to show me. I feel like he had me and my ex boyfriend break up at the exact right time because I lost all my friends when I did and then there was nothing holding me back from doing the internship. If I was still dating him and had the same friends, I would not be where I am today. God had it happen at just the right time that he was no distractions and things that would keep me from doing this internship. As much as it hurt to have lost him and all my friends and to basically feel alone, it has to mean that God is going to do big things for me while I’m doing this internship for the next 10 months.

            But then at the same time, I’ve been having a lot of conflict inside my head about dong the internship because I don’t know if I want to be working in ministry or not. I’ve really been feeling lately that I’ve been lead to be a Book Editor. It’s been on my mind for a couple of months lately and since I had decided to do the internship, I pushed the thought out of my mind. But now of course, it’s all I can think about now a days. I’m really praying God shows me the right direction that he wants me to take.

            Then I remember that I’m feeling God had me do this internship for a reason otherwise he wouldn’t have removed the boyfriend and friends had I was too afraid to leave. But then I wonder if maybe, God had to remove them no matter what he wanted me to do otherwise I wouldn’t have left them and done anything different with my life. I really have no idea. There’s so many questions running around in my head and I’m really just praying for God’s wisdom and guidance in all of this.

           

           

            When it comes to if I want to be a Book Editor, it really lays heavy on my heart because I’ve always had the feeling like I’ve been called to do something with writing and reading and when it looked into it a couple months back, it was like I found the perfect plan. I had all the schooling I needed planned out and everything and I was ready to take the first steps with school. I don’t even know why I didn’t end up doing it. I don’t even remember what steps happened that took me from there to where I am today.

            But what a good friend of mine just clearly pointed out to me is that even if I were to be a Book Editor, where I am today is going to help me with that and that my destiny is intertwined with my Leader. That God has me where I am today for a divine purpose and that what I learn while I am doing this internship, is going to help me no matter what I decide to do with my life.